This story originally appeared in Mile High Sports Magazine. Read the full digital edition.
I’ve covered pro football for over 20 years. In that time, I’ve seen many different things that have become the same with time. College superstars graduate to big bucks and fame, but often on that path there are mistakes. What amazes me is that the mistakes seem to be the same over and over and over. What you probably don’t know is that because of my vast experience in seeing the same knucklehead moves over time, the college superstar has come to me as a resource and as a motivator. I have operated a clandestine advice center at a nominal fee because there’s nothing that makes me feel better than helping a spoiled college athlete become a spoiled professional athlete.
Isn’t that what it’s really all about?
For the first time, I will share with you some of the key pieces of enlightenment that every college athlete hoping to become a pro should know. I once took a vow of silence because this knowledge is so powerful that, in the wrong hands, it could become dangerous. However, I have seen enough! I have a deeper obligation to society as a whole! Like a pebble dropped in a still lake, the ripples will have deeper consequence if I share them rather than maintain my silence.
I reveal for the first time, the NFL Draft edition of Dear DMac…
***
(from 1998)
Dear D-Mac,
I am expecting to become a very high draft pick. All I have to do is convince people I’m more reliable than Ryan Leaf. I think I’ve got that covered. I am hoping to land somewhere that has a dome and artificial turf. My college girlfriend and I are very much in love, but I want to be the most calculated NFL player of all time. What should be my next step?
Sincerely,
The Tennessee Touchdown Machine
P.S. – I hate ‘Ole Miss even though everybody in my family went there
Dear Touchdown Machine,
First things first – immediately break up with your girlfriend! It is way more fun making photocopies of your butt and (allegedly) mooning female trainers if you are not in a relationship. In addition, you are probably going to want to date media personalities and other really hot Midwestern chicks in your sleepy destination – wherever that may be, say, somewhere like Indianapolis. But, if you insist on maintaining the relationship you’ve had in college, wait at least 10 years – maybe more – before having children. Nothing gets in the way of a passing academy more than rugrats running around. Focus completely on yourself in regular season play and then, you know, whatever in the postseason. Oh, and if you ever get asked to be on Saturday Night Live, make a really funny United Way parody where you drill an 8-year-old with a pass. Do all these things and some day you will be lucky enough to be fired by Jim Irsay.
***
(from 2012)
Dear D-Mac,
I’m really a basketball player, but since I’m from Montana, nobody is taking me seriously. I decided to tattoo my last name across my shoulders and I have started about seven games here in the great state of Arizona as a quarterback. I’m not exactly sure what all the rules are in football, but I seem to be able to throw the ball pretty good when they point me in the right direction. My college girlfriend and I think it’s best to leave college early, because my bestie’s dad is John Elway and he told me at the Sun Devil Student Center he would pick me. Should I get in the draft or stay in school?
Sincerely,
Big Bird Bomber
Dear BBB,
First of all, immediately break up with your girlfriend. The fact that a college athlete of any kind that goes to ANY school in Arizona even has a girlfriend is ludicrous. Your dorm has it’s own POOL! All it took to get into your school was a solid C-minus in high school. My mind is blown away with how many hotties must be in your advanced John Grisham literature class. In terms of what you should do regarding your education… STOP! Let’s be honest, the only thing an ASU degree is going to get you is a great job as a river raft guide or ski lift operator. Perhaps, there may be an opening in a skateboard shop or as a low-level apartment pool maintenance professional. No, no, no, after breaking up with your girlfriend, you will see the incredible benefits of barely playing quarterback in the NFL. All those horrific stories of concussions, inability to walk in your 50s, horrible headaches and other assorted NFL wear-and-tear ailments should never come into play for you. They are going to pay you millions of dollars a year to PRACTICE football. Are you kidding me?! This is the greatest job in the world. Sure, you will have to pretend you want to play. You will have to practice kind of hard. You will have to stay after practice maybe like 10 minutes a day and play catch with an equipment guy or maybe some sort of fifth-string backup receiver (don’t bother learning his name, he won’t be around for long). But so what? If you are lucky, the elderly starting QB will stick around WAY after his prime, which will make for great dough for you – especially if you come in and “game manage” your way to a couple Ws while he’s nursing an old man injury. Brady Quinn was too anxious to actually play; he’s doing great on TV now. Enjoy your time on the pine, stretch it out for as long as you can and hope to God that another team wants to pay you out the nose for less than a half a season of so-so starts, because that ASU degree – that one you don’t actually have – is nothing to fall back on. Remember: Break up with your girlfriend.
***
(from 2012)
Dear D-Mac,
I think I go to a school called San Diego State. I’m not really sure. I was on a Snoop Dogg football team and one day I showed up for practice and Snoop just dropped me off at this place and said to start practicing with these guys. It’s pretty cool here. They hand me the ball and tell me to go left and sometimes they tell me to go right. Sometimes I get confused which is which, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My girlfriend and Snoop both say I should be in the NFL. Is knowing how to run left and right with the ball all I need to know to succeed or is there more to it?
Sincerely,
Rocket Ronnie
Dear Rocket,
First, break up with your girlfriend. I’m not sure how to be clearer than this. Unless you are a punter in a northern school dating the head cheerleader, you should never be in ANY kind of long-term relationship. When you get to your NFL city, there will be women who do nothing but go to aerobics classes and primp themselves lining up at your door. However, once you break up with your girlfriend, it’s very important to not take pictures of yourself at New Jersey strip clubs the week of the Super Bowl (especially when you are on the team that’s playing). You know the best time for these kinds of shenanigans? ANY TIME EXCEPT THE WEEK OF A SUPER BOWL! In fact, just stay away from the strip clubs altogether; it doesn’t look good. Also, if you travel to Dallas for a preseason game, don’t pass out because of dehydration in a game you are barely playing in. Remember to bring your ID so you can get on a plane home after spending the night in the hospital, and make sure you attend ALL practices leading up to the first game of the season. There is no way you could possibly be ready to play in Week 1 if you aren’t at practice eight days before that game. I mean, how would you possibly know to run right or run left? Coaches in the NFL are going to want you to know how to block. LOL. Don’t sweat it; you are a running back! Odds are you’re only going to have a four-year career, no matter what. By the time you are 26, you should have plenty of time to go back to finish up those demanding freshmen level classes at SDSU. Oh, also, don’t marry a stripper.
***
(from 2011)
Dear D-Mac,
I am a 6’5” basketball player from Portland State. I know, I know – What the hell is Portland State? I really wanted to be in the NBA, but it’s not looking good. My daddy told me I’m the best athlete ever, but thinks I should try football. I don’t really want to hit anybody or get hurt. My girlfriend said that if I’m afraid of boo-boos I should really just stick to basketball. What should I do? Remember, I don’t like to be touched.
Sincerely,
The Big Easy
Dear Big Easy,
First, tell your girlfriend to hit the skids – you’ve got a lot of money headed your way! There is this player in the NFL who is named Jimmy Graham. Every team is looking for the “next” Jimmy Graham. Here’s the secret: He’s not a football player either! This is incredible news for you; your timing couldn’t be better. Everybody used to think in order to be a football player, you had to be an actual football player. Nope. The NFL actually WANTS basketball players. Most of these dolts have been slamming into each other since 6th grade. What have you been doing? I bet it’s been a glorious life of basketball camps and fade-away jumpers. Besides, 6-foot-5 power forwards in the NBA are a dime a dozen, never mind guys who go to some place called Portland State. (I’m not sure if you are aware that Portland is actually a city not a state.) However, 6-foot-5 “tight ends” in the NFL are the hottest thing going. Now, it’s going to suck that you aren’t actually going to be considered a wide receiver. That annoying fact is going to cost you some money. But, think of the upside: You are going to be covered by slow midgets in every game. You are going to catch a TON of touchdown passes. You are NOT going to get seriously hurt. Sure, you may have to fake an injury here or there, but hell, you don’t want to play in EVERY game. If you can catch more than 10 touchdown passes in a contract year, SHUT IT DOWN, BABY! Your coaches, teammates, fans, Hall of Fame tight ends and the media will think you are drug store cotton soft, but who cares? You’ve got your dad in your corner. What else do you need? In the end, make sure when you become a free agent, you choose the market that offers you the least chance to win a Super Bowl, but the most money. Also, make sure that place has some great beaches because the ladies are going to love seeing that un-bruised, I-haven’t-blocked-anybody-for-five-years body. YOU are living the dream!
***
(from 2015)
Dear D-Mac,
I really love weed. Can I still be a No. 1 draft pick if I get caught with weed – like two days before the draft? By the way, I love my mom and… well… weed.
Sincerely,
Tokin’ for Life
Dear Tokin,
Getting caught with weed is NOT a problem. Having a girlfriend you drag from college to the pros, now that’s an issue. Loving your mom is always cool. Having your mom sell crack with your grandmother might be an issue. But these are all things that can be worked out. Sure, you may cost yourself millions because there is no way in hell a top-10 drafting team is going to roll with somebody who loves to roll. But so what? Do you really want to play in Jacksonville, Buffalo, Tampa or Cleveland? I’ve heard all about you and know you actually want to win. Get drafted later and have a chance to actually win. What’s wrong with that? Only the horrible teams get athletes who don’t love pot. Let’s say a team like the Broncos drafts you – hypothetically – you are going to be in a state where the ganja is legal. DUUUUUUDDDDDE!!!!!!! It’s gonna be awesome. You are coming to a team where one of the head honchos spent six months in jail for running into a cop when he was hammered. He was in jail! He commuted from his jail cell across the parking lot to work and then back across the parking lot to jail at night. Are you following me? We had a player who got hyped up on Molly or some other sort of thing at the Kentucky Derby, got suspended for four games and still stayed on the team. Your buddy Von Miller decided to act out ALL of the hangover movies with weed, guns and an assortment of chickens. He basically missed an entire year due to suspension and injury and next year he’s probably going to be the highest paid defensive player in NFL history! Smoke weed before the draft? Hell, if you can rush the passer – which I know you can do – you may as well show up from work in the Potmobile Cheech and Chong used to drive around. Legalize it!
Oh, don’t be a kicker with a drinking problem or you will get cut.
***
(from yesterday)
Dear D-Mac,
I just wanted to remind you that I dated a girl for years and years. We were college sweethearts and I even dated her when I became a pro. We arranged a Hawaiian wedding. We invited all of our friends to join us in Hawaii. Ninety minutes before the ceremony I called it off. I went on to play football on my own terms and even retired when I still could’ve played, giving up millions. After I was done, I fell in love with a beautiful woman, had a kid, and played in a ton of handball tournaments. I feel terrific, I look terrific and have recently moved back to the state where I once pointed my middle finger at the fans. What’s funny is that everybody really likes me and tells me all the time how great I was. What’s going on?
Sincerely,
Snake Charmer
Dear SC,
Dude, you are my hero.
***
Well, I think you basically get the point. Nothing good comes from marrying your college girlfriend if you are about to make millions. The divorce rate is astonishingly high for pro players that get married at a young age. That rate increases dramatically if they have children as soon as they get married at that young age. Learn from the masters. Learn from guys like Nate Jackson and Derek Jeter. Be good looking, rich and single. There is nothing wrong with love, just make sure that the girl who says she loves you says it when you have to finish that degree from I Barely Had To Go To Class State. The money and fame goes quickly. The lingering injuries last forever. Don’t blow your money on dumb things like cars and boats. Treat yourself well and play hard while you still can. They make a new set of gorgeous 25-year-old hotties every year. When you turn around in your 30s, life will look very different. I’m proud of you, young college stud. You’ve overcome a ton and are now living in rarified air. Reap the benefits of your hard work and don’t let your homeboys or high school honey bring you down. If she really loves you, she will be there when it’s all said and done. If the dudes you grew up with really care about you, they will get their own jobs and leave you alone. You shouldn’t be filming the reality show “Entourage: NFL.”
My advice does not come at a cheap price. For those who follow it, life will open up and become golden. For those who don’t follow my wisdom, well, the world needs more mall kiosk phone salesmen.
