Schlocky Rockies: Trying to put lipstick on a pig

Colorado Rockies right fielder Charlie Blackmon (19) hits a single against the San Francisco Giants during the first inning at Oracle Park. Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

How many ways can you say a team sucks?

I wondered this as Rockies beat writers navigate every Rockies season by creatively talking about a team that has been more awful than not, coming up on 30 years of existence. I’m sure a beat writer is happy to have a job covering a sport they love, but the grind in covering the Rockies must be unbearable at times. Not to mention constantly having a tab open to thesaurus.com to find the words to articulate how bad they are.

And the Rockies do suck. They’re bad and they really didn’t have to be. They suck in ways we’ve never fathomed before, each and every year. We know this, we accept this and that’s part of the problem. But even though they suck, I love the Rockies. I really do. Well, I love the players, the social media guy and Coors Field. The team itself is bad and the upper management makes the Fyre Festival guys look competent and reliable.

The Rockies are our team and that’s why so many of us stand by them through thick and thin. Go to any major city and its baseball team is woven into the fabric of the culture. We have that already with the Broncos, but having a baseball team to root for is the epitome of the city experience. We love the Rockies because we want them to be good, not because they are good. Or ever will be.

So there’s no reason to follow this team while GM Jeff Bridich is in control of it. People complain about Dick Monfort, but he isn’t going anywhere. What needs to change is who he hires in the future. Right now the Rockies are a rudderless ship with no working toilet. No matter what minor success this team enjoys in the future, it will ultimately go nowhere with Bridich in charge. The team might enjoy a modicum of progress but it’s usually squandered the following year through inexplicable signings or letting players go who thrive elsewhere. That’s the pattern. And when there is the faintest hint of triumph, we count our blessings and wait for the other shoe to drop. That pattern is unacceptable to the people who pay to see them play and shouldn’t be tolerated anymore.

Bridich has alienated his players, the media and probably the guy who sells beer and sings opera. He’s made mind boggling personnel decisions while firmly planting the blame of the team’s woes on the players. But he just keeps riding the team into the ground like someone being chased by the police, his tireless rims igniting into a mournful fireworks display of sparks that always ends badly.

In short, Bridich can suck it and I’m fairly certain anyone reading this, except for maybe his family, is nodding in agreement. But when you’ve lost everyone except the owner, you can still probably count on keeping your job when Rockies upper management is involved.

Dick Monfort will never sell this team and that’s why he must be persuaded, nay coerced, into hiring someone who 1) knows what they’re doing and 2) won’t take any of Dick’s nonsense because they were hired to run the team effectively, not listen to an owner who has as much success running this team as I do. You’ll never be able to boycott the team into doing the right thing because they play at Coors Field (which is very nice) and the people in charge are either too arrogant or dumb to know any better. Every window of opportunity that opens for the Rockies, not only closes rather quickly, but gets nailed shut and a coat of lead paint gets slapped over it. Then watching ownership try to pry it back open with a pair of tweezers is the same moronic dance we do every year. Time to go reverse Footloose on them and stop this foolish dance.

I sure missed being at Coors Field this year watching the Rockies play, but did I really miss anything? Open up your online thesaurus and get to know the synonyms for “bad” because with the Rockies, you’re going to need them for years to come.

 

Let’s gamble on football shall we?

The NFL has been pretty unpredictable as far as wins and losses so I’m going with a few over/unders to start us off.

Bears at Falcons over 47.5

I mean, have you watched the Falcons? They may not win by they’ll cover most of this themselves.

Raiders at Pats under 47

It’s supposed to be crappy weather at Foxborough, so if it is, go under because the Raiders Cinderfella story is about to come to an end and Cam can’t be stopped.

Jets at Colts under 44

A pretty low number but the Jets are terrible and the Colts aren’t as good as advertised. Colts will get up early and then pound it down the Jets throat for three quarters.

Bucs -5.5 over the Broncos

Week three is where you’ll see teams start to hit their stride and other teams run out of gas. Handsome Tom won’t have the mean ol’ Mile High crowd in full throat and I think he wins by a TD.

Remember, Nate Lundy and I do a podcast each week called “Mile High Money” designed for our Colorado and Denver followers. Take a listen, subscribe, rate and review for us, will ya?!?

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