Three gifts no Rockies fan wants for the holidays

Apr 6, 2018; Denver, CO, USA; A Colorado Rockies fans stands as snow falls before a game against the Atlanta Braves at Coors Field. Mandatory Credit: Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Christmas Eve, and you know what that means:

Time to drink precisely one adult egg nog, prepare to be smooched by your great aunt Susan, and fret about whether you bought the right gift for that special someone. Fear not, though; we may not have any good ideas for a super-last-minute present, but we certainly have some advice regarding what you shouldn’t purchase for a loved one–particularly one who is a fan of the Colorado Rockies.

Being a Rockies fan is hard enough, especially with a lockout putting a pause on all Major League Baseball activities during what is usually hot stove season. Then again, history says the Rockies wouldn’t be making good use of their time even if given the opportunity to do something, so who’s kidding who? Anyway, avoiding these gifts will ensure you don’t contribute to an even worse holiday season for your purple-adoring loved ones.

A Dish Network subscription

Dish dropped AT&T Sports Rocky Mountain a couple of months ago, leaving the Rockies–as well as the Utah Jazz and Vegas Golden Knights, though who cares about those teams–short a whole bunch of eyeballs heading into 2022. You might be wondering “why is it such a bad thing to be a Dish subscriber when it all but guarantees I don’t have to watch the Rockies?” Well, the answer is easy: it’s not June yet. You know you’re excited. You can’t get enough. And you’ve already forgotten what it feels like for the bullpen to blow a six-run lead in the seventh inning.

This Five Finger Death Punch/Rockies mash-up shirt


(eBay)

People will make t-shirts for literally anything these days, even if they’re factually incorrect. But what sort of subset of people does this shirt apply to? Guys who consume a 6-pack of energy drinks on their way to Coors Field? The out-of-control purple mohawk guy? Dick Monfort? We may never know.

A Rockies-themed Facebook shirt but on a wooden sign


(Fanatics)

It might be tempting to get this monstrosity for your mom, aunt, or middle-aged co-worker, but don’t. It’s actually a portal to hell–or, at the very least, a front for the distribution of something much more sinister than the bowl of Werthers Originals above which it hangs. And worse, somehow none of the dozen awful fonts it features are worse than the Times New Roman that makes up the Rockies’ wordmark. Do not be fooled by this sign.

Get the Rockies fan in your life something good and useful, like a season ticket mini-plan or maybe a couple of bottles of your local spirit store’s finest (or, preferably, both). Stay away from the Trevor Story jersey you might find in the discout bin at the Rockies Dugout Store if you can.

Most importantly, enjoy the holidays and tell your loved ones that you do, in fact, love them, especially if you mess up and accidentally buy this for them.

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