David Letterman’s most famous schtick – “The Top Ten List” – was a staple on the Late Show for 30 years. Beginning with “The Top Ten Things that Almost Rhyme with Peas” on Sept. 18, 1985, and concluding with “The Top Ten Things I’ve Always Wanted to Say to Dave” this past May, the host’s nightly list was always hysterical. He could be timely and clever or simply goofy.
Just four days ago, the retired Letterman made a surprise appearance in San Antonio – briefly coming out of retirement – on A Very Stupid Conversation, a stage show performed by Martin Short and Steve Martin. He’d “un-retired” to poke fun at business mogul and Presidential hopeful Donald Trump with a brand new Top Ten List: “The Top Ten Interesting Facts About Donald Trump.”
It’s unlikely that Letterman will make a habit of this, although such surprise cameos would be welcome everywhere with open arms, but if he gets the itch for another one, a local athlete has been busily accumulating material for him. While the Broncos’ Peyton Manning was asked to participate in Letterman’s final Top Ten List, the Nuggets’ Ty Lawson has been writing an entire list all by himself.
Maybe “writing” isn’t the correct term – perhaps “living” is better. The best part is that it’s all hilariously true – i.e. – you can’t make this stuff up. Letterman and his crew of writers wouldn’t even need a brainstorm session; they’d merely need to gather up facts from Twitter and Instagram.
Hell, I’ll put pen to paper for them. Dave, just in case you find yourself on stage at Red Rocks this summer, here’s a ready-made list: “The Top Ten Reasons the Nuggets Must Trade Ty Lawson.”
10. “One-Two-Three… Six Weeks!” – During a blowout at the hands of the Jazz in early March, the point guard of the Nuggets exited a team huddle with this ridiculous chant, celebrating the imminent ending of a woeful season. To be fair, this was a “team” cheer, but Lawson, who’s supposed to be the team leader, certainly didn’t protest.
9. Wearing a Bulls Jersey to the Entourage Movie Premiere – The Nuggets star, who was the subject of trade rumors with Chicago’s Derrick Rose at the time, concluded that it would be a good idea to wear a Bulls jersey to the movie’s L.A. premiere. Okay, sure, it was a Michael Jordan jersey (which makes it better), but still, it didn’t do much to curb the trade talk. I mean, he could have worn a Blair Rasmussen jersey.
8. D.U.I. No.’s 2, 3 and 4(?) – In January, Lawson picked up his second (maybe his third) Dewey following a Nuggets charity function. (Which was held at a bar he invests in, no less!) AND WAIT, THIS JUST IN…TMZ has reported that Lawson just picked up ANOTHER D.U.I. last night in Los Angeles. If you’re counting at home, we think this is the fourth such incident. I’m leery of ripping a guy for grabbing the wheel after a few cocktails, something many of us have inadvisably and irresponsibly done before, but after getting busted in Missouri, North Carolina and Denver, you’d think an NBA millionaire might know to go with Uber and avoid the risk all together. He can certainly afford it.
7. LOL – Just two days ago, when @jh32_futw tweeted at Lawson – “U wanna blame anybody for the @nuggets bad performance, blame their garbage pail front office: fired our COY, bad contracts, (zero rings)” – @TyLawson3 just couldn’t resist. Instead of taking the high road, or simply making no comment, Lawson responded with “LOL.” Hilarious indeed.
6. Ty-Less Ty Lawson Basketball Camp – As Denver sportscaster Lionel Bienvenu reported on Twitter yesterday, the one person who wasn’t at Ty Lawson’s basketball camp for kids was, oddly, Ty Lawson; “travel plans” were the sighted reason apparently. Lawson left Nick Graham, a great guy and hoops fanatic who truly runs the camp, to speak for him and find a replacement (Jimmer Fredette, as it turns out). Look Ty, you don’t have to put on skills camps for kids, but if you do, a major reason they’re coming is you. Now, there are more than a handful of parents who really want to see you traded.
5. Extended Vacay – After the NBA All-Star Break this past season – festivities of which Lawson wasn’t officially a part – the Nuggets point guard couldn’t quite make it back in time for practice. As the schedule worked out, the team had an unprecedented 10 days off, yet Lawson couldn’t peel himself away from Las Vegas. We know this because he posted a photo of himself there on Facebook.
4. “I Wish” – Social media and Ty Lawson should officially divorce. There’s a common theme within this list, and it surfaced mightily on Instagram back in April. When a fan suggested that Lawson should be playing for the Dallas Mavericks in the playoffs, Lawson responded with a not so subtle, “I wish.” He further suggested that he was better than Mavericks’ guard Rajon Rondo. He wishes.
3. What the Hell is a Hookah Anyway?” – On draft night, Nuggets fans were shocked when Lawson (once again through social media) appeared on computer screens everywhere puffing on a hookah (we think it was tobacco inside). One of Lawson’s good buddies streamed video as Ty and Friends watched the draft and puffed away. It was a fantastic “look” for Lawson, who is intent on killing whatever positive image he’s got left. If you didn’t know what a hookah was before, you did after that.
2. “Goin’ to Sacramento, Bro” – If the image of Lawson sucking his hookah pipe wasn’t bad enough, the video also captured him proclaiming that he was headed to play for the Kings. As it turns out, he’s been wrong thus far – presumably much to the chagrin of the Nuggets front office.
1. You Can’t Dis Chauncey – If Lawson had any supporters left in Denver, he lost them – all of them – on July 12. After Denver hoops icon Chauncey Billups suggested that Lawson should be traded because he wasn’t a leader, a fan asked Lawson on Twitter what he thought of the local legend and his comments. Lawson, as he typically does, recklessly responded: “some ppl just want to stay relevant lol.” Oh, yes, LOL… again. Sorry Ty, Billups is still far more relevant than the Nuggets fourth point guard – which, at the moment, is you.
See what I mean, Dave? You can’t make this stuff up.