Being a Colorado sports fan has been depressing lately. So much, in fact, I finally made the call and did what my friends asked: I went to get psychiatric help.
My irritable mood and belligerent ranting on the state of the Avalanche, Rockies, Broncos and Nuggets has finally had an effect on those loved ones around me. I finally decided to seek professional help, due to the state of my professional sports teams.
Coach Vince Lombardi once said “If you are 5 minutes early, you are already 10 minutes late.” So I showed up to my appointment early, as requested, to fill out the necessary paperwork.
I grabbed a pen covered in green tape with a giant plastic flower on end, took my packet of paperwork and sat in the waiting area, trying not to watch the Denver Broncos OT loss to the Chiefs, which was being replayed on the TV in the waiting room. Even the goldfish, sitting alone in round fish tank, seemed to shudder at the sight of the Chiefs’ comeback victory.
The questionnaire was difficult, but I attacked each question like Andy Janovich attacks linebackers.
Have you had any recent and unexpected weight loss?.
I scribble: “I wish.”
When do you feel anxious?
I scrawl: “Every time Adam Ottavino takes the mound.”
Two questions in and I don’t know if I will make it.
Just as I think about bolting for the door like C.J. Anderson hitting the hole, the nurse comes in and saves the day.
Nurse: “The Doctor will see you now.”
I head into the dimly lit room and sit on the overstuffed brown couch, thinking this is how Paxton Lynch felt sitting on the bench last season, just waiting for someone to see him. The magazine rack holds the latest edition of Mile High Sports: “Nuggets acquire Paul Millsap.” I read with excitement.
I think to myself: “This is the break the Nuggets need!” I am euphoric, excited, ecstatic, but then the panic, the fear, the anxiety begins to in.
I murmur like a mad man in an empty room: “Is that enough? Is Paul Millsap the answer? Will the Nuggets make the playoffs? Did they spend too much? Are they done in free agency?”
So many questions.
The doctor comes in, and his interrogation into my fanaticism begins.
Doc: “How do you feel right now?”
I respond strongly: “I am unsure about the future. I am unsure about the playoffs.”
Doc: “Which playoffs?”
“Nuggets, Rockies, Broncos, Avalanche. All of them, Doc. We are in bad shape in Colorado, and I don’t know what to do. I am not used to this, Doc. Even the Broncos season is up in the air.”
Doc: “The Broncos went 9-7 last year and made the playoffs the last five seasons before that. You have to feel good about an organization as stable as the Broncos. They have a winning tradition. I am sure you will find comfort in that. The Broncos new coaching staff will figure out the QB problem and the rest will fall into place. And the Rockies, they are doing well, the playoffs could happen for the Rockies?”
I refute his claim, and shake my head in disapproval: “The ROCKIES? No offense, Doc, but they have just played with our emotions. We all jumped on board and became invested, and faster than you can say ‘Nikola Jokić’ the Rockies lost the lead in the National League West. The Rockies have slid to more than seven games back of the Dodgers. I am afraid of what might happen after the All-Star break.
Doc: “You can’t worry about the things you can’t control. All you can control is your reaction to those things.”
Me: “But what about the Avalanche? They’re the worst team in hockey.”
Doc: “They can’t stay that bad forever. Look at Edmonton. And they just signed one of Edmonton’s former No. 1 overall picks.”
Me: …And let’s not get into the Broncos’ quarterback controversy. You are paid by the hour, and I have a high deductible.”
Doc: “All is not lost for Colorado sports fans; teams are like family. They have good times, but also have rough patches. You have to love them regardless of their problems. Just stay the course, be supportive and everything will be okay. And it could be worse, you could be as bad as my next patient.
I look out the door, and hear loud sobbing. It sounds like something is terribly wrong.
I am very concerned so I ask: “What is wrong with that guy?”
The good doctor chuckles: “He is a New York Jets fan.”